After a few weeks my wife and I went to the doctor for the ultrasound.  I could not wait to see our baby for the first time, and to see the heart beating.  As we looked at the screen the doctor told us that we had a miscarriage.  I just stared in disbelief.  I knew what the doctor had said, but my heart did not want to believe it was true.  I would never hold her or him for the first time as I had my other children.  I would never be able to tell him or her of my love and that there is nothing they could ever do to change it, as I had told my other children.  I would never see what he or she looked like or what kind of person he or she would grow up to be.  I would never read him or her a story, pray with him or her at bedtime, or eat ice cream together, watch him or her smile, laugh, or giggle.  I would never hold his or her children, my grandchildren.  Our baby had died, and the finality of it pressed upon me without relief.

            The next couple months were difficult, but God was a faithful Comforter in our grief.  Several months later my wife and I were overjoyed to find out that God had blessed us with another baby.  All the previous thoughts of anticipation filled my mind.  We went to the doctor for the ultrasound with excitement and nervousness.  As the picture appeared on the screen, we could not see a heart beating and it felt as though my heart stopped.  The despair on my wife’s face and in my heart was hard to bear.  I thought, “Why God?  Please don’t allow us to go through this again.  It is more than we can bear.”  The grief and depression was more than I could bear, but God in His marvelous grace carried us through it. 

            I struggled to understand God’s plan and God’s ways, and all my theological training and study could not answer my questions nor assuage my grief.  There was only one answer afforded me, “The just shall live by his faith” (Habakkuk 2:4).  My human reason was incapable of understanding God’s plan, but by God’s grace my heart trusted and rested in Him.  My flesh resisted, but the Holy Spirit gently tugged upon me to depend upon Him.  As I cried out to God, Psalm 34:18 became a present reality, “The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart.”  Never have I felt such pain and peace at the same time.  Psalm 73:16-17 says, “When I thought how to understand this, it was too painful for me— until I went into the sanctuary of God.”  God became my refuge and strength, a very present help in my trouble (Psalm 46:1).

            God used these tragedies to do a work of grace in my heart.  After the first miscarriage, one night my wife and I lay on the floor weeping and we went to God in prayer.  After we prayed, I wrote the prayer down so that I could always remember what God was doing in my heart at that moment.  If my prayer could help someone else who is going through the same thing, it would bring me great joy to know God used this tragedy in our life to help other people.  I have placed it below.

A Prayer to our baby’s Father

            “Our heavenly Father, we thank You for our baby that You have given us.  Now we want to give this baby to You.  I will never be a father to this baby on earth, but You are this baby’s Father in heaven, and our baby is so blessed for what You have done for You are a much better Father than I could have been.  I thank you that this baby of ours will never commit a sin on earth and will never live a life of sin as I have, will never know what it is to feel pain, sickness, or sorrow.  Our child will never feel the emptiness of being separated from You, but for all of eternity all this child will know is joy- for You have said to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord and there is joy in Your presence.  I thank You that I will never have to answer for sinning against this baby- I will never wrong this baby as I have others that I love.

        Thank you God for the month you gave us with our child.  There is no way we could ever repay You for the gift of his or her life.  You made this child for Yourself, and it is more blessed than our other children, for You shall be its Father in heaven, and I know You will give it more love than I could have- thank you for giving such a great gift to our little baby.  This child has been a most precious gift to us, and I pray that we will never cease to be grateful to You for all the time You gave us with it.  I pray that our gratitude will cause us to live more fully for You and to give to You the little we have.

            God, we thank you for the grace that You have given us, for You have been nearer and closer to us than ever before.  For You are near to the brokenhearted.  What would we do without You? 

             Lord, I don’t want to waste our sorrows.  I pray that our child’s life will make us more like Christ and help us to follow Him more completely, that somehow we will make this world better because of its life.  May we bring glory, God, to You.  I pray that this baby’s life will help make me a better husband, and help us to be a better mom and dad to our children and our future children, to realize what a precious gift every moment with them is.

            Lord, we look forward to when we die or when You return, and we will see our child and be reunited.  We look forward to when we will see You face to face.  God, I will never see our child grow up, and I will never hold my child in my hands, but he or she is in Your hands and Your hands oh Lord are a better place for her or him to be.”

God has promised to work all things together for good to those who love Him (Romans 8:28).  Each situation and tragedy will be and look different in the great tapestry of God’s wisdom and goodness, but we can rest in the certainty of His promise, knowing that He who promised is faithful and true.

A few weeks ago, we celebrated our youngest daughter’s birthday.  Evangeline is a most beautiful gift from God.  She brings us great joy everyday.  If God had not allowed our miscarriages, we would never have had Evangeline.  I did not know nor understand at the time that God would take these tragedies and turn them into a marvelous blessing.  We now have the triple blessing of two children in heaven awaiting us and Evangeline here on earth.  Only a God as good as our God could do such a marvelous thing for the undeserving.

The mission trip to Mexico was a huge success.  Half the trip was spent being trained by experienced IMB missionaries.  The other half was spent contacting the unreached and unengaged tribe that we are embracing.  Our team was received well by the tribe.  Please pray that God would give us the right strategy to take the Gospel to these people.